Women hate to ask for what they want. Women are expected to be independent and selfless. This training process begins at a very early age in a woman’s life. The woman that you love most likely has been groomed to live without her needs being met. She has surrendered herself to the reality that Prince Charming will never appear. The men in her world have denied her needs.
She has also learned to deny her needs. However, she secretly longs for the day all of this will change. She dreams her Prince will appear and answer the yearnings of her heart. As her man, you must step up to her call and respond to these longings of her heart.
Her distaste for asking for what she needs is heard in statements like, If you really loved me you would know what I need. A similar announcement is We’ve been together long enough you should just know what I need. Your partner does not know what you need unless you tell them. The typical response to this is, If I tell you what I need then you’ll feel like you have to meet my needs. I don’t want you meeting my needs if you feel like you have to. How can you ever win with an approach like this? You can’t. The discouragement leads to all kinds of problems and the relationship will lose any semblance of greatness.
If you don’t ask for what you need your needs are left up to chance. Even a great partner will fail without clarification of your needs.
You must tell him specifically what your needs are. The more specific, the more accurate his fulfilling of that need will be.
Sometimes, (most times) you will have to tell him more than once. It is a set-up for disaster if you think telling him one time will do it. Be patient and understanding. I remember when my wife and I started dating. We had major arguments over sneezing. That’s right, sneezing. My wife was raised in a household where if someone sneezes you are supposed to say, “Bless you” or “God bless you.” I do not recall being taught this. So, early on in our relationship, when she would sneeze I would keep going on with whatever I was doing. Some time later, I would notice that she was sad.
I would ask, “What’s wrong?”
“You don’t love me!” was her response.
“What do you mean?” I would ask.
“You didn’t bless me when I sneezed. She would assert.
“That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.” I would retort.
And it would go down hill from there.
This happened about 10 times before I actually understood this particular need. She blesses someone who sneezes out of caring and thoughtfulness. Now I will bless anyone who sneezes within my earshot. I just never knew about the whole, “Bless you” thing. It took me a while to get it but now I’ve got it.
Most women (and a lot of men) have such a challenge with asking for what they need that they fall into a trap of fussing about what they are not getting. “You never take me anywhere.” “You never tell me that you love me.” “You are never home”. “You don’t pursue me like you did when we were dating”. “You don’t tell me I’m beautiful”.
The veiled requests sound like a never-ending complaint. Your partner feels that he will never be able to satisfy you. He will give it his best shot. Over time, he comes to believe that he will never effectively meet your needs and he gives up. Now you feel justified in your approach because obviously he did not really want to meet your needs anyway.
Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com.